Marissa,I think taking text from your astro book is an interesting idea! I also really like your tone of voice in this piece, and think it moves along well with the audio (waves? wind?) in the background.As for the content of your piece, I was a little confused - it seems like some of the lines in the poem don't necessarily relate to each other, which makes it a little confusing and harder to follow. Maybe you could weave more of a story into your piece? Mix some of the astro text with text you make up yourself? It's hard to follow along with what you're saying because it is nonsensical, however, I don't see that as being a negative thing. It just depends on what you're hoping to accomplish with this piece.Hopefully that helps!
Marissa,Things started out weird (dwarves?-- ah I just realized you're talking about stars not small people). Got interesting (smog particles raining from the skies). Then turned a little sing-songy around the 1 minute mark (ice/nice) when the rhymes get closer together. I wasn't so much confused-- the first line about "what if the earth were closer to the sun?" creates a state of unreality, so I figured what followed was unreal as well, but I was thrown off by the Kepler line, since that brought me back to a "real" understanding of space.The images that pop up are so bizarre and familiar/unimaginable (volcanos made of ice!?) that you've definitely got something to work with. The environmental noises (wind/water) work to give you somewhere to place these physical descriptions. (If there is music too, it is too low to hear behind the waves). What is it that you are most interested in? Science text transformed to poetry? The descriptions themselves? Kepler? Picking one and giving us some space to think about it would help to invite us in to the weird space you're revealing. If you do stick with the poetry route, you may want to be extra careful with how you deliver the couplets to make sure the rhythms you create are serving the content/tone you're interested in.
Marissa,I'm not clear where you want to take me as a listener, even if that's into the abstraction of language and beyond sense.I think this is the point to bring in the ol' Alex Blumberg rubric: I'm doing a piece X and it's interesting because Y.How would you fill that in, and how can you bring out that out with more gusto?Let's check in on this--Stephanie
Marissa,It's hard to give you feedback because I am not entirely sure what I am supposed to get out of it or where you want to take the piece. As a listener I want to try and connect the dots that you have put out there but they don't connect which is confusing. If you want to focus on the language you could go farther with that and really bring out the bizarre nature of science statement and terms. Regardless, it seems like your intention needs to be a little clearer but I think it could go to some interesting places. The images the text brings up are quite nice but what the audience is supposed to experience overall is hard to pin down. Looking forward to your next iteration. Hannah